Tears (Aoife)

Phin didn't want to deal with people today. Even though it was a class day, and it was sort of mandatory to go, he still didn't want to go. So, as soon as breakfast ended, Phin bolted through the front door of the castle and headed for some place he knew that nobody would find him. The Whomping Willow. He liked looking at the tree sometimes. He wondered more about how a magnificent tree like that was made. He hadn't read anything on the history of the tree, but looking at it's beauty, he decided that it would be necessary. But not today. Today Phin felt more alone than he had in a while. He guessed that it was his fault. He hadn't made any effort to find anybody, or talk to anybody. He guessed he needed to at some point. He couldn't keep his feelings bottled up forever. That would be the easy way out.

He secretly hoped as he was sitting there, that somebody would come and find him, and he secretly hoped that person was Aoife. He missed her, but he didn't have the energy to go and find her. So, instead he just sat and wallowed in self pity. When he did this, his mind went to unpleasant thoughts. He still didn't know what he was going to do during the summer. He wasn't going back to his parents. That was no option. But if he didn't find someplace else before the term ended. And frankly, he was terrified. He wasn't sure what he would do if he couldn't find a place to stay. Maybe he could pull off staying in the apartment. That was the one place he felt safe. That was why he found himself sneaking back there after curfew. He knew he'd get into bad shit trouble for it, but he knew he could get away with it with the excuse that his uncle had died.

Phin didn't even know that Professor Wilcox had been related to him. If he had, Phin would've taken more of an effort to get to know him. And Phin felt terrible. Chad wasn't the most verbal guy in the world, but Phin thought he could've at least told Phin about Sebastian being his step-uncle. Chad had been distant this term. But that was how their relationship was. They would see each other in class, Chad would every once in a while as how he was, and let him be on his way. The only time he spent more than a week with Chad was during the summer. And they had a blast. He never had anybody to do regular guy things with. With Chad he had a relationship that he didn't have with his own father. With Chad, it was good. And he would miss it. And for the first time since he had learned about the deaths, Phin started crying. He bent his head in his lap, and he found that he couldn't stop.

Aoife was enjoying her seventh and final year at Hogwarts less than she'd hoped she would. Throughout her years at school, she'd managed to be pretty optimistic all the time, except maybe in fourth year or whenever it was, but this year she felt like she was letting all the negative shite weigh her down too much. Not only was she constantly aware and constantly being reminded that she had hardly any time left here, and that NEWTs were fast approaching, but it was like she was facing all the stupid negativity herself - yeah, Hunter was there most of the time, but he was her boyfriend. It was different to having Phin to spend all her time with, which was what had seemed to have happen this year. That boy must have disappeared off the face of the planet, because she hadn't seen him anywhere. And she'd read about what had happened with the two professor Wilcoxes, but Aoife would have thought he could come and talk to her about anything. Apparently not. Maybe he was avoiding her.

The good thing about seventh-year was the regular free periods. They didn't always coincide with her friends', so she usually ended up actually being productive. Nonetheless, she enjoyed the solitude occasionally. But only occasionally. It was still cold outside, but Aoife found the lake was a nicer place to study than the stuffy library, so she usually just wrapped up warm to go outside. At this time, when most students were in classes, it was pretty much empty. Just her and the giant squid. Her arms full with the textbooks she needed, she wondered through the grounds enjoying the fresh air and for a few minutes not stressing about anything, just being carefree and happy like she used to be in first-year, and like she could be at home, when there was no stress or worry about anything, only fields full of sheep who she could understand.

But she hadn't even got to the lake when she got distracted from her study time. When she heard a muffled sound from across the pavement, near the whomping willow, she stepped off the path to go and see where it was coming from. It was a boy, Hufflepuff from his robes, too old to be crying in public and too young not to be in class. Phin. Crinkling her nose in confusion and sympathy, Aoife tried to decide how she should be coping in this situation. Should she let him know that she was angry he had completely discarded their friendship this year? Or be a good friend and make up for all the time this term she'd spent not talking to him? Indecisive, she took a seat next to him on the ground. "You've grown," Aoife observed. She didn't like everybody being taller than her, it was unfair. "Why didn't you tell me? Come and talk to me, I mean." She'd found out about the death of her best friend's uncle and legal guardian by reading the newspaper. That wasn't how it should have been.

The tears didn't stop, and Phin didn't know why. Well... He knew why. But he didn't want them to come. Crying was a sign of weakness. When he lived at home, he wasn't allowed to cry. If he did... well... bad things would happen. But now that Phin was under different circumstances. He wasn't at home, and he was alone. He could do what ever he wanted. Phin nearly jumped when somebody came behind him and sat down next to him. He looked up and saw that it was Aoife. He sighed in relief worried that it would've been a teacher. Not that he would've cared, but out of habit, he had been frightened. Aoife noticed his growth. Well.. Yes. He had grown. He whipped a tear off his face and nodded sheepishly. Now that Aoife was here, he cursed himself for being so vulnerable and weak. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop.

He wanted to answer her question, he really did, but he couldn't find the words to talk. So he just shrugged. Finally, he said, "I didn't want to accept it. Telling you meant that it had really happened. And I couldn't accept it. Loosing them, means...Means I might have to go back to my parents. And I'm terrified of that thought." The tears kept coming. He found it easier to cry in front of Aoife. The more he did it, the more he found he just couldn't stop. Now that he didn't have a legal guardian, he wondered if his parents would even take him back. What would happen to him? His job would barley cover rent in the apartment, and even then he wasn't old enough to live on his own. 15 wasn't even considered an adult, which sucked on his part. So what would happen to him? Would they send him to an orphanage? Would they make an exception? Probably not.

He looked over at Aoife and asked, "What's going to happen to me? My parents disowned me I doubt they would take me back. I can't live in the ap-apartment, and I'm underage. Aoife what am I going to do?" The realities of the situation were finally falling into place, and Phin was terrified. He watched the whomping willow throw it's branches in a circular motion. Why couldn't life be that peaceful? It was times like these where Phin wished he was anywhere but at Hogwarts. He wished he could disappear. Go far away, and never return and have to think about all the terrible things about his past. The only thing stopping him, was well, the law and Aoife. Mostly Aoife.

Aoife was not good in situations like this, which involved being a good friend and comforting someone in a time of grief. She'd been privileged enough in her life to have never been put through particularly terrible things like this. She'd lost her grandparents when she was a young child, and the very occasional sheep, but nothing as big as this. People always said they understood what someone was going through if they lost someone like this, but Aoife didn't understand. She wanted to understand, she wanted to be able to help Phin and be the good friend she was supposed to be at times like this. The redhead wasn't entirely a robot in terms of emotional capacity - she genuinely felt awful for Phin, and was sad about the two professors' murder - but she couldn't possibly hope to understand the pain of losing someone so close to you, and therefore felt useless in being there for Phin.

But she had to be there, even if she wasn't entirely sure how. Phin was smart enough to realise how she was about emotions all all that shite, so hopefully he'd be honest enough about how he felt for her to see it clearly, and be able to do whatever she could for him. "Oh, Phin..." she muttered, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head on his shoulder for a hug. "Listen, I'm going to be a better friend from now on. You have me and you have..." Who else did Phin have? Chad was gone. His parents were abusive and disowned him. "Me. So it's going to be okay." Aoife was genuinely terrified for when she graduated; then Phin really would be alone. He needed a replacement best friend. Maybe she could get one for him, make posters convincing people that a Hufflepuff boy in need of a new best friend was worth taking a chance on. "You need to accept it," she added gently. "Because in accepting it, you're on your way to getting over it." She sounded harsh, she realised only after saying it. "I mean... I mean... sorry, I'm probably making this shit worse, aren't I?"

Then the shit got worse, because Phin started thinking about the specifics, and what was going to happen to him. "Phin, you'll be fine, calm down," Aoife said quickly, before actually thinking about the point he was making. He was in fifth year, which meant it was only a year until he was a legal adult in the wizarding world. That meant there was only one summer when he was still a child, and would have to be taken care of. "It's only one summer, the worst that can happen is you'll have to spend six weeks in an orphanage." She creased her forehead, trying to think. "Hey, I graduate this summer. Maybe you can come and stay with me? I could try and get an apartment or something?" Would that work? Was she old enough? She really hoped it would work, because typically, orphanages were shit, and Aoife didn't want Phin to have to go back to his parents either. That would be the worst case scenario, probably. The plan had been to start travelling and all the moment she left school, but she could delay for a few weeks to save Phin from whatever awful prospect awaited him otherwise.

Better Friend? Phin was the one being a terrible best friend. He had avoided her since the New Years Party last term. Had it really been that long? Where Hunter and Aoife still dating? He couldn't believe that after everything, he was still asking himself these questions. He should be worrying more about where he was going to live during the summer rather than girls. But, he couldn't help himself. He still couldn't wrap his head over why she would date such a jack ass. But, it was her life, and he wasn't going to stop her. He had finally figured that out, and he wasn't going to interfere, no matter how much he hated it. After all, he couldn't replace him as best friend. That much he knew.

She was trying. And that's all Phin could ask of her. If he went and lived with her, it would put a bourdon on her, and he didn't want that. He wanted a place to where he didn't feel like a bourdon. A place to call his own where he didn't have to feel like he was unwanted. Maybe he could convince his parents to let him stay for just one summer and get a job in Diagon Alley. That way they'd only have to see him when he got up and went to sleep, and feed him dinner. If even that. He could make it work. Phin wouldn't even have to look at them, or better yet speak to them. He really only needed a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in. Which he didn't think was asking for much. He sighed again drying his tears. He didn't think he could cry anymore. He had to face his problems, and accept them, like Aoife was saying. He said, "I'll figure something out. It will be ok." He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself, or Aoife. Probably both.

Phin then was still squirmy over the fact of her and Hunter. He had tried to understand WHY, but just couldn't. Sure there was history there, but still WHY. Maybe he could use his emotional and vulnerable state to his advantage and get more information out of her. But he didn't want to bring it up to casually. She might smack him and walk away, and he needed her. He tried to believe that he would be fine. He really did. Maybe he just needed distractions. He looked towards the Whomping willow again. Maybe if he walked towards it's branches and let it hit him... It would be the easy way out. And he had thought about it before, but he was too good for that. He wasn't going to do that to himself. He was better than that So to distract himself, he finally asked, "Can I ask you a question? And I want a brutally honest answer." He waited for her to ask before he continued. That way if he changed his mind, he could cover it with a different question. But he wasn't going to do that. HE WOULD GET ANSWERS.

Aoife obviously would never admit it, but she was glad Phin hadn't taken up her offer. Her plans for graduating hadn't been to babysit for a whole summer, and the sooner she could get away and have freedom and do things for herself and not have to worry about anyone else, the better. But she smiled sympathetically at Phin. "Yeah, I'm sure you will - there's loads of time until summer anyway." If it was her, Aoife didn't know what she'd do. But it wasn't her. Because she hadn't been forced to grow up quickly like Phin had. She still hadn't grown up, and she would be eighteen in a couple of months. Old enough to drink in a muggle pub. A proper adult. It didn't quite make sense, and she didn't quite believe that it could be true. Surely she, the least mature person ever, couldn't be an adult already, when it seemed like such a short time since she hopped on the Hogwarts Express for the first time. Seven years? It was crazy weird.

Glancing down at her legs, curled up on the floor awkwardly, then at Phin, then at the willow, then at the sky, she wondered if she really could do anything she wanted to do, and if anything was possible, like adults always told little kids. Events in recent years were really making Aoife question herself. And question how nice the world really was to people. Because there seemed to be a hella lot of tragedy and disappointment and misery for people she'd least expect it for. Even if she'd been pretty lucky herself, she really didn't feel as certain of herself and her future as she had years ago. Reality was sort of shit.

Her gaze returned to Phin when she heard him start to speak again. "Of course you can," she answered instantly, only thinking about what this could entail afterwards. What sort of question could he have to ask that he had to make her promise she'd be completely honest? Was it personal? Or offensive? "But I'm only going to answer it if I think you need to know the answer," Aoife added hastily, just in case it was something bad and she could be tricked into having to tell him something she didn't want to. Yeah, they were best friends, and there was no need for secrets between best friends, but even best friends deserved some privacy. Suddenly she realised what it could be about, and considered the probability that it had something to do with Hunter. Probably quite probable, the Hufflepuff usually had something to say about Hunter.